Pensive Thought

So my family are coming down this weekend, which should be immensely fun, considering my University house is akin to a dilapidated wreck from an apocalyptic vision of the future… Throw in the fact that there’s flies and moths congregating in all corners of the house (most disgustingly on one particular window of the kitchen), and you’ve pretty much got yourself an instant starter pack for a typical plague.

On Saturday, it appears a trip to London will be in order, nice day with my mum and brother, as well as my friend Steph Clarke who’ll be joining me for a typical weekend showing our faces at the G-A-Y joint. I.e. It’s the 2nd time we’ll have been, and I was too shit-wrecked to remember the first time. Secretly hoping that my mum will give me a little bit of, and then some more, money for my drinking habit, being the absolute star that she is.

Apparently it’s the London Gay Pride this weekend, so I think Steph and I will definitely detach ourselves from the more family orientated crowd, with the desire of making new friends, and possibly getting ourselves some alcohol down us, which could do no harm. Secretly I’m hoping that Steph finds the lesbian love she’s always longed for. Bless her, I think she really needs it.

All of these fantastical sounding plans cover up the fact that, during the weekdays, I tend to be very bored and lonely! There’s not much to do in this dull town, and not many people are around, seeing as University has finished for the Summer… With the exception of the nurses and some retake students. This has, however, left me with quite a lot of time to reevaluate some of the aspects that are currently bothering me in my life…

Firstly, there’s the situation of how you know whether someone is actually in trouble and needs your help, or whether they’re just playing the victim so that they can manipulate people with a false pretence of innocence. Coupled with a doe-eyed stare, this can look very convincing… After thinking about some of the things this one person has done in particular; back and forth stirring, taking drugs up to their eyes at a festival, in an attempt to have one of those “Oh my god remember that time I…” stories, I have decided to discard a very one sided ‘friendship’, as I’m very sick of putting up with weekly cries for attention. Bitch.

The other thing that I’ve spent my time thinking about is something that I often contemplate (just used to find a different word to muse, I’m nowhere near pretentious), which is the idea of being in a relationship.

Up until around the Christmas most recently gone, most of my thoughts went into how and when my next relationship would come about, who the person would be, whether the person I was currently interested in liked me back, whether I would have a happily ever after etc… Suffice to say I was placing a lot of emphasis on this, and I’m not entirely sure why to be honest… Since the start of 2010 however, I feel like this has really changed, and I’m not looking for this anymore, I’m not going to chase around someone who’s not going to show any appreciation or effort back, is there really any point? It’s a wonder that I even wanted anyone so desperately in the first place, especially since my first relationship had ended so disastrously. It was an epic rejection which left me with low confidence and a feeling of unworthiness for well up to a year, and can sometimes resurface when I’m staying at home for too long, although I’m not entirely sure whether it’s the rejection, the horribly typical ‘loser from school’ background, or the lack of many, if any, decent friends from home who can think about other people besides themselves for a good 2 minutes or so, which leads me to the last thing I’ve been thinking about. Home friends.

I’ll not mention any names, purely based on the fact that I don’t know who’s ever going to read this, and it’s better to be safe than sorry. What is it about maturing that allows you to look back on your friendships with some people and think “Why the fuck did I let them treat me like that?” Much like looking back on a past relationship, sometimes you think that perhaps you should’ve done things differently to earn the respect of others… I certainly think things would’ve turned out better concerning the people who used to matter to me had I been a little less impulsive and immature in my school years… But then I suppose whatever happened, happened. Still though, I think one thing I need to note to myself is taking a more straightforward approach to people, without letting things build up inside to the point where I explode, causing verbal shrapnel to fly about and cut deep… I suppose we’ll see the shape of things to come.

P.S. If a die-hard Lost fan picks up on the subtle references, you rock.

P.P.S. I just thought I’d post this, which I’ve been listening to a little today…

(Original Blogspot Date: Thursday, 1st July 2010)


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